(Note: I will attempt to use real personal examples of each communication behavior when discussing inner talk as well as interpersonal communication. I want this to be as practical as possible when discussing intervention, but I also want to destigmatize these behavior patterns and encourage proactive change rather than responding to crises out of fear and defensiveness. Although the findings of the studies on these behavior patterns show their destructive nature, they also show their pervasive nature in relationships at all levels of functionality.)



As I wandered through Target looking for antifreeze, I found myself becoming increasingly agitated. I had attended a wedding the night before. It ended up being an absolutely wonderful evening, but it was full of positive and negative social interactions, lots of smaller events to participate in as a member of the wedding party, and car issues that ultimately rendered my vehicle useless.

“You are slow.”

“You are in my way.”

“You are a nuisance.”

I launched these mental criticisms at all the unassuming Target shoppers that Sunday afternoon. If I had been able to slow down in that moment, I would have been able to notice how I actually felt. I was stressed. I was afraid that my car was severely damaged, and I would not be able to afford the repairs. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally tired from the previous evening. However, all I knew in that moment was that I was overwhelmed. My heart was pounding, my breathing was short, and my mind was swirling with thoughts. All of these uncomfortable thoughts and feelings were being channeled into that moment, as if my inability to sprint unimpeded through Target to the auto repair aisle was to blame for my circumstances.

As I outlined in my previous blog post, criticism is the attribution of an undesirable behavior observed in another person, or oneself, as a flaw in their personality. I considered every behavior I observed in that Target undesirable because I had already considered my own behavior undesirable. I had ignored previous warning signs about my car needing service, and I was beginning to face the consequences for my behavior. I experienced fear and shame about not knowing what the full consequences of my behavior would be. I felt immature and unequipped to manage my own life under these circumstances. However, acknowledging those feelings did not seem helpful at that moment, so instead they came to the surface as criticisms of those around me.

Early recovery can be full of situations just like my own experience. Not only will one frequently have to make drastic changes to their behavior in early recovery, one will also have to deal with the delayed consequences of behavior acted upon in addiction. One will also have to do this without the use of the one coping skill that once gave them relief or the perceived ability to manage life circumstances. It can be easy to become flooded by “life on life’s terms” and make these circumstances seem larger than they are. It happens to each of us every day.

This can become dangerous when I do not recognize the circumstances for what they are and act in a solution-focused manner to address them. When I allow myself to succumb to the fear of the unknown of these circumstances, I limit my behavior to three responses: fight, flight, or freeze. I become disconnected from my physical experience, and I am pulled into a frenzy of catastrophic potential outcomes that have no basis in reality. Personally speaking, my most common response is to open the memory filing cabinet of all previous behavior that has made me feel immature and unequipped for life, leaving me in a pit of shame. I have learned that there are three things that I can do to help move myself out of this unhelpful cycle and into a solution-focused state of mind.



1. Practice frequent self-regulation skills. I do not have to get too creative with this practice, which is good because I need to be able to easily use it in the moment. I also need to be doing these even when not overwhelmed, both for the benefit of my health and the ability to follow through when I am overwhelmed. This can be any stress-relieving activity that pulls my attention away from the current circumstances that are bringing me stress. Exercising, watching a light-hearted tv show, or reading a book can all be perfect self-regulation skills. I prefer physical activities like exercising or chores, as it allows me to expend built up energy while also engaging me with my physical experience.


2. Pay attention to self-talk. We all have some form of internal monologue, even if it is in the form of visuals or abstract thoughts rather than full sentences. It can be easy to overidentify with this internal monologue and believe that it is simply “me.” However, I am not always in control of what the monologue says or how it says it. What I am in control of is my ability to filter it before it comes out of my mouth (communication behavior). The movement towards black and white thinking (i.e. specific instances vs. always/never, won’t vs. can’t, and would like to vs. should/must/have to) is an early warning sign of being overwhelmed. The inability to filter and actually engaging in hurtful communication behaviors with others is a more drastic warning sign. Noticing these signs is an excellent opportunity to practice my self-regulation skills or simply take the time to challenge the black and white language of my internal monologue.


3. Engage in healthier communication behaviors. According to the Gottmans, the counter to criticism is avoiding “harsh start up.” This means to be mindful of when I am attempting to initiate a conversation about the undesirable behavior that created my criticism and how I go about initiating the conversation. General tips include starting statements with “I feel” instead of “you” and avoiding placing blame. This will increase the other party’s willingness and ability to hear the complaint. I can also practice this with myself. For example, I was not able to healthily correct my behavior in Target that day, but I was later able to reflect on my behavior and better understand when I was physiologically soothed.
The development of these skills is crucial to managing difficult daily life circumstances for everyone, and successfully acting upon these skills can be a foundational experience in cementing a new belief in one’s ability to live without mood altering substances. Be on the lookout for my post next week on the role of Defensiveness in the relapse process!