This is my third installment in the Four Horsemen and Relapse series! If you have missed them, go check out my introduction to the series and the first two pieces already posted on the page!



How many times have you used the phrase “I would never do that to you” in an argument with your significant other? I know that I have been guilty of using that phrase in some kind of language in the past, and I would expect many readers to feel similarly. I most frequently express that belief in response to feelings of surprise, betrayal, and fear. I am left feeling vulnerable and exposed, and so my response is one of hurt and self-preservation. However, it might be surprising to learn that this is one of the more common forms of contempt.



As I stated in my first post, contempt is taking the moral high ground either by elevating one’s own behavior over another person’s behavior or by denigrating the other person’s behavior and providing one’s own behavior as the golden standard. Typically, any attempt at comparing behaviors in terms of correctness or fairness will come across as contempt. With this definition provided, it can be easier to see how the phrase “I would never do that to you” can be contemptuous. The often unspoken piece of that statement “because I am a better partner than you” can be easily inferred. I am using this singular instance to compare our overall abilities to be healthy, empathetic partners. Contempt may be harder for one to identify in the relapse process compared to both criticism and defensiveness, as there tend to be more frequent interactions with the outside world that I find unsatisfactory or potentially threatening. However, contempt can frequently take the appearance of a harsher form of criticism, which can be useful in identifying it.



Another helpful tool in identifying contempt is to work towards identifying unspoken or unrealistic beliefs about how one “should” be. Exploring and understanding the messages that one has received from friends, family, and culture throughout life can help one distinguish between criticism and contempt. Frequently the beliefs formed from these messages will revolve around performance ability and roles in relationships, and they will include the word “enough.” For example, “I am not good/smart/nice enough.” When one receives messages growing up about how to be happy, successful, or good, it creates a golden standard in one’s head for how to be. However, that golden standard exists in a vacuum, meaning that it does not account for mistakes, growth, and normal human experiences. Instead, it can create an unrealistic measuring stick that most people are not able to reach on their best days, much less in everyday life or early recovery. This unrealistic measuring stick is even harder to reach for individuals that have been or are currently in dysfunctional family systems or relationships where the standard changes frequently and without notice.



Understanding these messages and how one believes they “should” be is absolutely crucial to identifying contempt within oneself and avoiding falling further into the relapse process. The third stage of the relapse process, according to our model, is the “digital thinking” phase. The self-talk, referenced in the steps to address criticism, has likely gone unnoticed or unchecked by this point in the relapse process. Black and white thinking becomes more rigid and extreme than before, and it begins to affect other aspects of one’s life. The use of words like need, have, and should increases, and another belief like “I would never do that to you” is introduced. Some variation of “I have to feel better” or “I have to do better” begins to creep in. Just like “I would never do that to you,” these beliefs also have an unspoken part that carries a great deal of power. This unspoken part is “or I will use again.” It is frequently left out, as it is a statement fraught with fear, shame, and powerlessness. However, it is important to acknowledge that the situation is that dire and needs an immediate response.



The final stage of relapse, which will be covered next week, we have named the TDL Phase: Too Damn Late. So here are some tips that will hopefully prevent it from being too damn late to get help with potential relapse issues and contempt:



1. Treat as an acute problem until it is not. As I stated above, the final stage in our relapse model is named the TDL Phase. In our experience, very few clients have been able to turn it around at that stage in the process. That does not mean that any level of contempt, either internal or external, signals inevitable relapse. However, contempt is most commonly experienced in this stage of the relapse process, and this behavior does not happen on its own. Either there is some situation in one’s life that they do not feel strong enough to handle, or there is behavior from someone in one’s life that is so undesirable that it evokes feelings of surprise, betrayal, and fear. In either case, it is unlikely that one will have all of the information and resources necessary to handle it alone. Whether it is a therapist, a sponsor, or any member of one’s support system, reaching out for guidance and support can be crucial in making the proper decision. It is better to overprepare out of caution than underprepare out of fear.
2. Be gentle. The solution for contempt, as identified by the Gottmans, is to develop a culture of appreciation for the person or persons that one feels contempt for. The golden ratio of positive to negative sentiments is 5:1. This feels like a large number, but if done consciously and proactively, can be easy to manage. Whether it is a loved one or oneself, make an effort to acknowledge and support any instances of effort, change, or intention to adjust undesirable behavior, even if it falls short of the overall goal. To some it can feel like coddling or babying, but responding to behavior with positive reinforcement is one of the largest predictors for said behavior continuing. This tip is best used in a proactive manner or once the acute concerns of the situation have been resolved.
3. Understanding fixed false beliefs. Beliefs guide every aspect of one’s life including careers, hobbies, relationships, and goals. Not every belief that one holds is a negative or destructive belief, but that does not mean that it is not worth exploring. In fact, understanding my healthy and positive beliefs can help one engage in them more consciously and feel more like they are living their authentic life. Until one takes the time to explore and understand said beliefs, both where they came from and how they play a role in behavior today, it is impossible to look at these beliefs objectively. One of our favorite sayings is “The problem with our beliefs is that we believe them.” For more information on how to identify these beliefs and dispute fixed false beliefs, check out Pam Moore’s book titled Show Me The Way: How to Unhook and Live Free.
https://www.amazon.com/Show-Me-Way-Unhook-Live-ebook/dp/B07B9QCGTZ/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=Show+me+the+way+Pamella&qid=1602756819&sr=8-1

Stay tuned for my fourth, and final, post on The Four Horsemen and Relapse: Stonewalling and the Point of No Return!