Clay Hightower, LMSW
Boundaries Part IV
By Clay Hightower, LSMW
The holiday season is finally upon us. I know that for me, the holiday season this year felt like a mythical destination that we would not reach. Or maybe, if we did reach it, it would be a sign that we had survived. We would have persevered through the worst of COVID’s impact on us socially and economically, the election would be decided and behind us, and we would be moving forward with clarity regardless of outcome. However, here we are, the day before Thanksgiving, and clarity is one of the last things that I feel.
It is difficult to have conversations with others around differing views. For some, it can be so frustrating or defeating that it leads to a severance of the relationship. Other times, the fear of just the idea of the conversation, and what consequences it may bring, is enough to create rifts in these relationships. These effects are only compounded for those who are having these conversations with loved ones this year. Everyone has encountered it in some fashion: a post or article shared on social media, an off-handed comment during a phone call, or a judgmental look in response to what you thought was a relatively non-controversial statement. It can be so confusing at times, and one can feel left with uncomfortable questions.
“When did this happen?”
“Have they always felt this way?”
“Do they know what I believe in and feel?”
Sometimes I want to know the answer to these questions, but sometimes I am afraid of what I will learn. Sometimes I feel like I want my old loved one back, but sometimes I just want our relationship to not be compromised. Feelings of fear, disconnection, and loneliness begin to set in. I feel unsure of what a conversation about my concerns would sound like, much less how it would go. And now, a day before Thanksgiving, many of us are wondering if tomorrow will be when the conversation finally happens. Thanksgiving may be the first time that you are going to see your loved ones in person since early spring. For others, it may be more of the same, and you’re planning to connect virtually with loved ones and trying to maintain whatever rituals of connection possible. Either way, tomorrow is the first chance for many for current events to be brought to the surface in front of the entire family.
In whatever capacity one is celebrating Thanksgiving this year: virtually, socially distanced, or fully in person, the need for connection and intimacy are as strong as they’ve been all year. In relationships, we rely on rituals of connection for consistency in nurturance and meaningful interaction. Frequently, these rituals of connection are smaller events like a scheduled date night every week for parents, a weekend sporting event where the whole family goes to cheer on one of the children, or when extended family comes over for a sit-down family meal. These rituals provide necessary structure within relationships to ensure that the relationship is meeting the needs of the individuals. Holidays like Thanksgiving provide opportunities for longstanding rituals of connection for relationships within the family as well as the entire family system. For some families, it will provide the only opportunity for connection and interaction for busier family members, members who are geographically distant, or members who have had to isolate due to heightened risk for contracting COVID. No matter what the reason is, everyone is longing these rituals right now. And for some families, these uncomfortable conversations run the risk of complicating or derailing the rituals.
When the Gottman Institute completed their research on communication barriers within relationships, they identified a pattern that they called “gridlocked issues.” Gridlocked issues are topics where each partner has a differing opinion or belief around a relationship decision that is frequently rooted in some part of their history. These are typically not topics about the logistics of the relationship, like finances or delegation of responsibilities, but about more philosophical decisions like whether or not to have children or how to spend retirement. It is easy to imagine how these are topics strongly tied to core values and desires. As a result, one feels strongly attached to their viewpoint and will likely dig in further if their viewpoint is challenged.
The most beneficial practice that they found for couples was to move from a place of being right or wrong to a place of curiosity and compassion. People respond much more positively, and less defensively, to being asked about the significance of their beliefs compared to feeling like their beliefs are being directly challenged. While these questions were created for partners trying to discuss gridlocked issues differently, they can also be used in any relationship where we struggle to understand each other’s strongly held viewpoints and frequently argue on the topic without reaching resolution. It makes sense that these questions could be used to try to navigate through conversations with family around difficult topics this holiday season. So, if you find yourself in a situation tomorrow where a family member expresses or challenges a viewpoint, and you are worried that it might result in a big fight, try questions like these:
1. How is your position related to your beliefs, ethics, or values?
2. Is there a story related to this position that comes from your background or childhood?
3. What would be your ideal outcome?
From there, the conversation will hopefully begin to flow more naturally once both parties believe that there will not be conflict. You may decide that those questions help you fully understand, but you may also decide that you need more information. The most important, and most difficult, practice with this exercise is to not problem solve or disagree when asking the questions. The only goal is to understand.
You may have noticed by now that with each week, my recommendations for action are more and more uncomfortable. The firmer my boundaries are, the more secure I feel. That means that the more that I soften my boundaries to allow for potential intimacy and growth in a relationship, the less safe and secure I feel. Learning and implementing new behavior is always an uncomfortable experience. If I want to potentially better understand my loved ones and try to move closer to them despite uncomfortable conversations, I must be willing to risk being hurt. But again, I am the only one that can decide when I have done my best to be vulnerable and feel the conversation is no longer productive or has reached its natural end. My goal in this situation is to be a good listener, feel heard and understood, and to connect with my loved ones. My goal is not to change, fight, or feel alone. As Kenny Roger’s said, “you got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em.”
It is my sincere hope that this series has been helpful in increasing your understanding of boundaries and providing you with practical tools and skills to feel connected and safe with your loved ones this holiday season. Happy Thanksgiving from The Moore Institute family!
