written by Clay Hightower, LMSW
From the moment that one makes the commitment to stop ingesting a mood-altering substance or engaging in a process addiction, they are at risk of relapse. Without proper planning, one is potentially one stressful event, unforeseen challenge, or fixed false belief away from the voice convincing them that they cannot manage life any longer and need to seek relief. Many of you have likely experienced this at least once before in your attempts for recovery. However, that does not mean that these experiences are not valuable potential learning opportunities. In fact, these experiences should form the foundation of one’s plan for recovery in terms of what one needs to be prepared to experience again. However, old behaviors die hard.
One of the most frequent reasons for relapse identified by my clients in therapy is difficulty in their personal relationships. Maladaptive communication behaviors in past or present relationships may not have been the impetus for the addictive behavior, but for many, it activates all of the feelings associated with addiction: guilt, shame, fear, anger, and feelings of being unappreciated or misunderstood. Many of these communication behaviors are learned through family systems, cultural beliefs and expectations, or difficult interpersonal relationships later in life. If someone doesn’t know that there are other behaviors to engage in while communicating to help them have their needs met, it can be a frustrating and hopeless experience. This is why I use the language of “communication behaviors” as opposed to “communication issues.” This shift in language gives responsibility directly back to my clients, and with time, can help them feel hopeful and empowered.
This focus on communication behaviors and shift in language has been driven by my experience completing couples counseling trainings conducted by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman at The Gottman Institute. Through a longitudinal study of couples and their attempts to repair their relationships in couples counseling, the Gottmans identified four behavior patterns in communication that were most predictive of divorce. They named these behaviors “The Four Horsemen.” Exploring and addressing these behaviors became a focal point of their couples counseling interventions.
The Four Horsemen:
- Criticism – attributing an undesirable behavior you observe in another person as a flaw in their personality. Easy ways to identify when I am engaging in criticism is when I initiate a complaint with this person with the word “you” or when I use black and white language (always, never, etc.) when describing this singular instance of undesirable behavior.
- Defensiveness – an attempt to protect one’s sense of character in communication, typically from a perceived attack. There are typically two ways of responding with defensiveness: counter-attack at the other person’s character in an attempt to level the playing field or by shedding responsibility and taking the role of the victim.
- Contempt – taking the moral high ground either by elevating one’s own behavior over another person’s behavior or by denigrating the other person’s behavior and providing one’s own behavior as the golden standard. Typically, any attempt at comparing behaviors in terms of correctness or fairness will come across as contempt.
- Stonewalling – mentally checking out of a conversation with another person while physically remaining in the conversation. Stonewalling can be easily identified by uninterested body language like lack of eye contact, crossed arms or legs, and being distracted by other objects in the area. The tone or quality of one’s response, or complete lack of a response, can also be an indicator of stonewalling.
This is the beginning of a series of blog posts where I hope to integrate The Four Horsemen into The Intensive’s understanding of recovery, and more importantly, the relapse process of behaviors and addiction. I will break down each Horsemen individually and explore how this communication behavior can play out in my relationships with others and with myself. If you find yourself wanting to learn more specifically about The Four Horsemen or The Gottman Institute, I strongly encourage you to check out their website. It is a great resource for couples and professionals, as well as being a central location for more blog posts related to their practice.
Stay tuned for my deep dive into criticism and how to engage in more gentle self-talk!
